ChockerBlog’s Fashion Fixes

Ladies…

They’re called skinny jeans because that’s what you need to be to wear them, not because that’s how they will make you look.

Women whose age does not end in ‘teen’ must not wear butterflies.  Anywhere.  Ever. 

It doesn’t matter how thin you are, white pantyhose will make your legs look like raw sausages. 

Trackies have their place, which is at home where no one can see you in them.  And having ‘juicy’ or ‘babe’ scrawled across the arse of them does not in any way make them better.

Boobs should not be the force behind buttons that are threatening to ping off and take out someone’s eye. 

“Less is more” does not mean less clothing is more attractive.

A g-string poking out the top of jeans should be treated like a catapult; pulled back as far as it will stretch, loaded with burning pitch, then released.

Gentlemen…

Yes you do need more than two pairs of shoes, neither of which should ever be crocs.

The only place for cartoon characters is TV, not on your satin boxers and certainly not your tie.

And while we’re talking about undies, they should not be satin, or any pretend variant of.  They should be cotton only.  It’s a scientifically proven fact* that anything else will make your willy shrink.

I’m not even going to mention boxers sticking out the top of jeans, because anyone stupid enough to do that is bound to also be illiterate therefore will never read this so I’d just be wasting valuable blog space.

Those hilarious t-shirts with captions such as “FBI - Female Body Inspector” or “Tell Your Boobs To Stop Staring At Me” will not get you laid.  Trust me.

The only way I should be able to smell your aftershave is if I sniff your face.

Shorts that end just past the knee are fine.  Anything longer isn’t,  unless you’re planning on teaming them with a nice wedge heel and a floral headscarf.

*it must be, surely

punc•tu•a•tion

The key phrase here is “…in writing or printing…”.

Not drawn in the air.

We’ve all seen someone do air quotes.  Heaven forbid, most of us have probably actually done them. 

This must stop. 

You don’t end a question by drawing a big question mark in the air.  Nor do you finish a funny or surprising piece of news with a large air exclamation mark. 

So why do it with air quotes?

We’ve evolved to communicate with tones and inflections so that what we say is only half the message, how we say it is just as important.

In my experience they are most often used by someone who feels that they are superior to the rest of us, and that their irony must be physically punctuated so as not to be lost.  The implication is that their air quotes are actually subtitles for dummies. 

Next time someone uses air quotes at you, ensure that when you reply you slap them around with a few commas, then poke them in the eye with a full stop.